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A LETTER FROM DEATH ROW: APPARENTLY A REAL MOVIE

Sometimes people do stupid things when they don't have full time work. Sometimes those stupid things include watching the E! True Hollywood Story of Bret Michaels. In case you haven't put the pieces together, I watched the E! True Hollywood Story of Bret Michaels earlier today, and in addition to be generally amazing, I saw him talk about THIS FUCKING THING:

Yeah.

Bret Michaels wrote and directed a film, with Martin Sheen and Charlie Sheen in it, and starring Bret Michaels as a guy on death row who may or may not be guilty of killing a stripper and then whining about it for 90 minutes and shaving his head.

But the most interesting thing about this story is that it is apparently real. Here is its IMDB page, and here it is for sale on Amazon for like $30. I have to get my hands on this movie. If anyone has any information on this film, please leave it in the comments.

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THIS PERSON: THEY LOOK LIKE THAT PERSON

Have you ever noticed that sometimes people look like other people? THAT SHIT IS CRAZY. Okay so anyway, I can't think of a good way to address that fact that Walter Matthau looks exactly like Saddam Hussein. Because he totally fucking does. Check it.

Those guys totally look alike. And they are both totally dead. If one of them was dead and the other weren't, that shit would be offensive. But Walter Matthau died like 9 years ago, and Saddam died in that dark place on a rope (I saw the cell phone video, dude, he's totally dead). RIP (Walter Matthau, not Saddam Hussein. That guy sucked).

So sometimes other people like like people too, and neither of them are Walter Matthau. Have you ever noticed that too? Yeah, I do. So here are a few other people that look alike. Behold, Dakota Fanning and Gollum. Behold!

Oh man, that kid is so ugly, and a terrible actor. And that weird little guy is just like, a computer cartoon, but he is still better than her. So, what have we learned? We learned that sometimes people look like other people, and sometimes like computer cartoons thingies, and sometimes those people are also dead.

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EIGHTIES SHIT, A GOOD CONVERSATION STARTER

So, all the blogs are a-twitter (not twittering. you fuckers.) with the joys of rediscovering eighties and nineties cartoon theme songs on youtube. Which is fun, but just as cheap as when new friends want to know if you remember Legends of the Hidden Temple and the AgroCrag and stuff. Except, they're not even doing it right! They're skippin' straight to Hey Dude instead of opening with Pete & Pete. Morons.

So, someone needs to do it right. And I guess that's leaves it up to us here at Matters of the Heartt...

HEYYOUGUYS. Remember this wacky cartoon that had cows as cowboys? I used to watch that shit all the time. lololololololz. I found this video on youtube! Memory lane! Are we friends yet?

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LIMP BIZKIT RETURNS TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL

Limp Bizkit announced sometime last week that, out of a dislike for the state of the current musical scene (NEED BEER MONY PLZ HELP), they will be reuniting, touring, and puting out a record. As we all brace for their inevitable tour with Papa Roach and Insane Clown Posse (get your RIZE ready, Juggaloes!), I decided to do some focused YouTube scouring, instead of my normal aimless perusal of car crash videos.

I put my mind to finding some awesome videos of high school bands covering the Bizkit, and drunk morons at karaoke howling "It's just one of those days!" There were dozens, obviously, because nothing beats admitting that your band can actually not write a better song than Limp Bizkit. But as I watched them, a trend emerged: every single cover was not that bad, for some reason. Normally they are a massive step down from the original song, but not these. They were consistently as good, or better, than the originals. And why is this? Because Limp Bizkit, it turns out, performs their own songs as poorly as they could possibly be performed. They play their own songs worse than a bunch of 15 year olds in their parents' garage. And that is a serious accomplishment.

Except this guy. He is worse than them. He REEEAALLLY sucks.

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MASTODON'S "DIVINATIONS": LOL-CORE

Mastodon 'dropped' (so hip, dude) this video last week, and it's taken me about that long to process everything going on in it. The dudes climb a snowy fake mountain up to a guy frozen in fake ice, then free him with a bitchin' guitar solo, and then he plays a bitchin' guitar solo. Also present: naked chick, hairy dude, and a ghetto yeti. In metal videos, any one of these items would be par for the course. But combined? It's fucking Mastodon.

Mastodon - New Music - More Music Videos

ROCK OF LOVE BUS: PEOPLE WHO EAT BASIL ARE LAME

I have... no words. My girls are back.

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DEATH CAB SCORES AGAIN, MAKES ME SAD

Death Cab For Cutie released their video for "Grapevine Fires" off of their most recent album, Narrow Stairs, today, and it is amazing. OBSERVE:

If that doesn't make you sad then... you are really hard to... make sad. It made me sad, is what I'm trying to say. And you know what I want to do when I'm sad? Listen to Death Cab For Cutie. When this video makes depresses me, I'm looking to spend my music dollar listening to DCFC, keeping my sweet sad buzz on. Looks like you got the last laugh on this one, Ben Gibbard. Touche, my friend. You have the misery market cornered.

P.S. Sorry about the weird player, it wasn't on Youtube, because sometimes the internet throws you a curveball, and you have to apologize it on your low-level culture blog. It's called Serendipity, y'all. LIVE WITH IT.

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HUMAN HIGHWAY: THE SOUND, IN TERMS OF JACK IN THE BOX TACO NACHOS

Since this is some kind of blog about music and TV and movies and the internet, I wanted to blog about this today:


It is the new Human Highway (featuring Nick Diamonds of Islands and The Unicorns and Jim Guthrie of... Jim Guthrie) music video for their incredibly pleasant song "The Sound." Anyway, I wanted to blog about that today, but something came up. And it was THIS:

I was walking past a Jack In The Box today on my way to a movie and saw an ad in their window for the new Taco Nachos. That's right, bitches, Taco fucking Nachos. They chopped some terrible J-Box tacos, covered them in nacho cheese, and... there you go. $1.99. DONE.

I am not going to not write about this disgusting pile of food. But at the same time, I have an obligation to culture to write things about it. So I decided to reconcile this by writing about "The Sound" in terms of the J to the B Taco Nachos.

The song was pleasant to begin with, not unlike the Jack in the Box tacos before this modification. It already made me happy, but they decided to go the extra mile. The visuals, in this case, become like the ooey gooey neon cheese festooning the dish, bringing a different complementary element to the proceedings. Both pieces, upon completion, give you a feeling of lethargic satisfaction, with the song paving the way for a contended nap, and the nachos leaving the consumer ready to vomit and lie down.

Haha, just kidding. The song is great, the video is original and cool, and the Taco Nachos were horrendous. But i was watching the video while eating the nachos.

Get well soon, Jack!

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CRAPWATCH 2009: ROCKVILLE, CA

Oh man, trailers are out for Rockville, CA and it looks HORRIBLE. Check it:



This is some kind of show about a concert venue, and it's partially based around the musical guest. Kind of like if The O.C. took place entirely in the Bait Shop, and was the most horrible thing ever to happen to television.

The show has a sad mix of cool kids and misfits, but it gets confusing. In shows like this, it's always hard to tell who are the misfits and who are the popular kids, since everybody is good looking models. So here's an easy guide:

Blonde - Cool kid
Sweater - Misfit
Cargo shorts/pants - Cool kid
Glasses - Misfit

The greatest injustice that this show has perpetrated is that I HAVE TO WATCH AN EPISODE. Phantom Planet is the musical guest on one episode, and I'm too weak to just wait and watch it on the internet the next day. Sad.

Get ready for this one, everybody. Should I blog it? Does it need to be a weekly feature? Can I ever come to terms with the fact that Rock of Love Bus will one day finish out its season, and I'll have to blog about other things? I don't even want to think about it.

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